Facing Myself: The Reflection Within My Depths

Sailors, 
I sail through life with an intense depth of empathy. I go from feeling everything until I feel nothing. This is one of my truths, and I have to face myself, asking if this truly supports my well-being. Let me explain because it may resonate with you, too.

I tend to keep my interactions light and surface-level. I focus on politeness, engage in small talk, and do my best to maintain a pleasant demeanor. I have been described as a glow stick, radiating a natural focus that effortlessly draws others in. This is another one of my truths: My lightness is a force of nature. It has the power to reveal shadows while also radiating warmth and offering comfort. I didn’t choose this light life, it chose me.

When I dive in and truly connect with someone, I do so wholeheartedly and on a profound level. I genuinely care about you. I consider the ways I influence your life, whether I uplift, support, or inadvertently cause you harm. You are always on my mind. My connections help guide this moral compass I operate with.

Because I recognize this truth within myself, I am cautious about who I let into my inner world. When someone I’ve allowed close to me causes harm, the betrayal cuts deeply, and my core can’t shake it off. I am sensitive, feeling everything with an overwhelming intensity. Some say this sensitivity is a flaw or weakness. Others say it is a gift or strength.  I’m uncertain what it is other than my truth. It is a root piece of me that I must confront, embrace, and learn to navigate. 

This is about the depth where boundaries begin to stem from me. They get crafted in core wounds kept safe in the darkest parts of me. When hurt, I instinctively and emotionally disconnect to safeguard myself. Some call it building walls, casting protective shields, or cutting ties– it all serves the same purpose. I create distance to heal – this is how I reclaim my power to maintain safety. I shut down, and sometimes, those connections are removed from my emotional framework as if they never existed in the first place. Others I hold on to and rewire. 

Is this truly healthy? I find myself torn between yes and no, which reflects the ongoing journey of self-discovery I’m on. I am, and always will be, a work in progress - growing through my experiences to better understand who I am, why I am, and how I exist in relation to the world around me, as well as the impact I bring to it and it has on me.

My experience to this point has taught me how to preserve myself when trust is broken and focus on healing. It has taught me the value of self-respect and that boundaries have the power to prevent further harm. However, it also contributes to the feelings I suppress that transform into unresolved pain that erupts and pulls me back down at no will of my own. It has led me to a life of comfort in isolation. I welcome solitude with open arms, I find it good company to be in - a self-sea free of the waves caused by others. This type of sea can be lonely and get dark, though.

I sense that the path forward for me is finding balance. I struggle with that too, but that’s for another blog. Everything I have gone and will go through is about learning to process my pain without becoming numb to its source. There’s some tweaking to do to live a life where I believe I am truly fine, and that’s okay – I am present and ready to set sail through the fine-tweaking season. 

I do know one thing for certain: in all the mess of human I am, my awareness has become a powerful pattern of mine. I am no longer afraid or ashamed to face the wounds hiding in the depths of myself. It’s only there that real work starts, and I am here to do real work. Maybe I can overachieve by inspiring others to get to work too. 

Signed.
-Just a messy mom in her kitchen
Lighting the way with purpose, resilience, and hope
Founder & Creator of Crum Canoe Candle Co.
Nikki Crum